**AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a satire. It was born of many hours reading best of craigslist. Please don’t take me too seriously 
.**
Dear non-denominational deity of unspecified gender and number, aka God;
First off, congrats on creating the Earth. Very very good job. A+ first draft. Truly stunning and original work. May need some editing here and there, and a few of those characters are just kind of idiots that you can cut out, but the rest looks really quite promising. If you weren’t already famous for the Vatican and the Spanish Inquisition and stuff, this would surely be your ticket to celebrity status.
The reason I am contacting you, however, has little to do with your project, and more to do with my role in it. The truth is that, while I am perfectly aware that I have very little room to complain, I am not entirely happy with the hand you are dealing me at the moment. And so I would like to offer you a proposition. A compromise, if I may.
You see, someday, I will fall in love with a boy who is straight, available, and into me, who is not off-limits or a fictional character, a teacher, a creeper, a convicted criminal, or someone who is convinced he will end up married to his ex ex girlfriend from five years ago, or his mother. On that day, I promise to start taking out the recyclables and putting each one into its proper bin. I will stop going the five extra miles to the Safeway in Sunnyvale just because they have better blueberries. I will drive the speed limit. I will clean my room. I will wear sunscreen every time I go out. I will put my car up for sale and resort to using only public transportation as a means of getting around. I will move to a place where they have public transportation. I will take a vow of silence until we find an alternative source of energy. I will refrain from making inappropriate sexual comments regarding my friends’ mothers.
I will use the most energy efficient setting on the dishwasher. I will do the dishes. I will turn off all the lights when I leave the room. I will learn to fill out tax forms. I will balance my checkbook, find a respectable job, and declare financial independence from my parents. I will call home every day. I will stop eating in and around the area surrounding my laptop. I will limit my caffeine consumption to two cups of coffee a day. I will warn others about the dangers of smoking, and of driving like people from Boston. I will protest global warming. I will shop organic. I will promote research, of all things, at all times, even on weekends. I will permanently turn off my air conditioning, and convert my house into a Bikram Yoga studio. I will sponsor an endangered species. I will ban abortion, adoption, abstinence, and babies altogether, unless they are very cute babies, in which case exceptions can be made. I will give out free contraceptives, to anyone, at any time: they will just magically appear in your pocket the moment you need them. Unless you’re not wearing any clothes, in which case they will appear somewhere in your general vicinity. You may have to look around.
I will stabilize the economy—how, may you ask? Why, I will find a lasso and reel that sucker in like a wild mustang, and put it into the first old barn I can find. I will name it and we will share a special bond. I will tell Ben Bernanke to feed it only vegan gluten-free whole-grain raw-food things, so that it will stay healthy. On such a diet it will soon become not only very large but also biodegradable, as you may have guessed, and we will be able to use our growing economy to help fuel our jets, without polluting the environment. I will make all currency with 100% recycled materials, and compostable. As a natural consequence, I will no longer waste money.
I will legalize every kind of marriage, everywhere. I will make it easier to become an American citizen from Mexico. I will standardize prices to above fair trade. I will become a one-man co-op, working for the betterment of humankind. I will go to church on Sundays, and I will make it okay to wear white after Labor Day. I will make sure there are always sales on cute shoes. I will ban the act of wearing tights as pants, but clarify that leggings are alright with long shirts, because my friend Siobhan says so. I will bring back disco. I will party like it’s 1999. I will institutionalize the term, “mad acad,” and I will take the money we spend on sucking the fat out of our food and put it towards feeding the masses. I will make sugar-free chocolate illegal. I will make sure the only cell cancer sees is a prison cell. I will learn how to cook my dinner without setting the house on fire.
In other words, the world would be a much better place if I wasn’t so damn lonely, and if I could have a little bit more luck than what I’m normally used to, and perhaps even a chance to grow up. I realize you are busy these days, got a lot of things on your plate, but please; if I could offer you this deal, and lend you a helping hand simply by being an adult and a better person (and working a few miracles here and there), you may find yourself with a lot fewer things on your plate, and maybe even some vacation time (could be nice). All I want in exchange is a genuine bona fide beautiful stranger to walk into my life, asking to be taken on as a part-time lover or a full-time friend (the latter comes complete with full company benefits, but no trading options—let’s talk). Now, is that really so much? Cosmic coincidence is your middle name. Could you, would you, make mine a good one? And soon, if at all possible?
Yours so very truly,
Me
