
Characters:
Jade Swanson (originally played by Sophi Newman)
Robert Endel (originally played by Joe Hospodor)
*written, and originally directed, by NV
This scene takes place in the Aladdin Resort at Las Vegas, across from the Rainstorm generator in the little café where they serve really bad espresso. For a feel of the place—it is modeled after “Arabian Nights”, where the sky is painted blue with clouds that appear to move as you walk down paths paved with what is made to imitate the stone roads of Persia. Around you are shops, but the only affordable merchandise can be found at a bikini store, and even that goes for about $30 a piece.
Coming from the general direction of the bikini store (although this fact is unbeknownst to our protagonists, nor is it of any relevance to the story) is a couple, a man and a woman, arms around each other. The expression “drunk with love” or “high on life” or “deranged and clueless,” would be suitable here, for general orientation. The only request of the playwright is that the woman wear a trench coat, one of those long, beautiful, black European kinds. This is not up for artistic interpretation: in other words, don’t mess with my costuming directions. Or else.
The woman is laughing at something that is probably not that funny, and the man kisses her in front of the fountain as they stumble into the café and sit down, lost in hysterics.
*Anything short of brilliance on the part of the actors will be interpreted as blasphemy. Consider yourselves warned.
Jade:
(amidst hysterical laughter)…and that Italian tenor in Little Venice, what was he singing…(badly she sings a few bars of “O Sole Mio” and then bursts out laughing)
Robert:
You got my shirt all wet, I can’t believe you splashed me…
Jade:
…and…that old couple …(tries to catch her breath)
Robert:
They had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they paid for that boat ride!
Jade:
I meant the couple by the fountain at Caesar’s
Robert:
Oh yeah, them…that…that was funny too
Jade:
Yeah, oh, it was, wasn’t it?
Robert:
Yeah, it was
Jade:
Yeah
Robert:
Yeah
Jade:
Hey Rob…um…why are we here?
Robert:
Well, the…rainstorm…is umm…scheduled for uh…10 o’clock…PM
Jade:
Oh…the rainstorm…and what time is it now?
Robert:
It’s…9:32…PM
Jade:
That leaves uh twenty…
Robert:
Twenty-eights minutes to wait
Jade:
To wait…right
(silence, Jade clears her throat)
Do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower next…Rob?
Robert:
Well, Jade, I’d be delighted but…I think it’s closed
Jade:
Oh really? Well, that’s too bad, I’ve never been up there…I hear there’s a great view
Robert:
Yeah, the view is great…it’s too bad it’s closed, really. The view’s great…I mean, I think it’ll open up soon…yeah…and the view, the view is terrific, have you ever been up there?
Jade:
Yeah…I mean, no, I have not…yet…that’s why I was ummm…saying I had never been up there
(there is a long, long pause, during which both of our protagonists look wistfully at the little holes in the ceiling from which the water is supposed to fall…the playwright would also like to add that this is the first time she has spelled ceiling correctly without the spellchecker program’s having to interfere, and believes she deserves to be congratulated)
The clouds seem to be darker, don’t you think?
Robert:
Definitely. It’s going to rain in…twenty-two minutes
Jade:
I can’t wait.
(Robert gets up and walks back into the café to bring back two cups of espresso, which tastes really bitter and is a waste of money on his part, really. He offers Jade sugar, she declines, so he pours a packet into his coffee and stirs. He tries the coffee, grimaces in pain because it really is disgusting, then scoots his cup aside.)
Robert:
So…ummm…Jade…what do you do?
Jade:
Nothing.
Robert:
Umm…nothing?
Jade:
I don’t feel like talking about it. (She tries her coffee and grimaces). May I have some sugar?
(Robert hands her a sugar packet, she pours it in and stirs, then tries it again. The sugar doesn’t help)
Excellent coffee.
Robert:
Yeah, this place is great. And you can watch the rainstorm from right here too.
Jade:
And that will happen in?
Robert:
Eighteen minutes…and a half.
Jade:
Thanks.
(she puts in another packet of sugar, and another, and another…)
Robert:
Listen, umm…I know it’s not my place to say, but it seems that after spending the evening floating on boats with you in Little Venice and listening to Italian love songs I deserve to at least know where you’re from and what you do…I mean I already know you’re not a singer.
(Jade is silent)
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you or anything…please don’t…you know…take offense
(silence)
Jade:
Robert, have you actually ever been to Venice?
(silence, Robert shakes his head)
I mean, how do you know if this is what Venice is like?
Robert:
Well, for one thing there are maps…
Jade:
Maps! Where is Venice on a map?
Robert:
Ummm…north of Rome?
Jade:
No, I don’t mean like that, I mean, where is Venice on the map? I mean, where, north of Rome, does it say that there are rivers and boats and Italian singers and bridges and people falling in love and you know…Venice?
Robert:
Nowhere, but I mean, there are travel guides and documentaries and Shakespeare’s “Merchant of Venice”…
Jade:
Travel guides that tell us of Venice, documentaries showing us other people enjoying Venice…all of this still leaves the question open about whether or not Venice exists as we’re supposed to see it
Robert:
I guess if you want to look at it that way…
Jade:
And take any major city really…Rome…New York…Paris. Here in Vegas there’s an Eiffel Tower, and we’re told that it’s in some proportion…
Robert:
One half
Jade:
Of the height of the actual thing, and we’re said the Parisian tower is made of so many pieces of iron or whatever…
Robert:
Eighteen thousand and thirty eight pieces of uh…steel, actually
Jade:
And we’re told that it was designed by so and so sometime in the past
Robert:
By Sauvestre in 1889…
Jade:
But does it exist?
Robert:
Listen, I think you have a fine point with your observation, but I still believe Venice and Paris and the Eiffel Tower really do exist. Just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean the millions of other people who have are suddenly wrong.
Jade:
I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying what if they’re not anything like what all the books and the people and the pictures make them out to be. What if the Golden Gate Bridge is in reality just a tiny walkway across a pond in some garden, and for all we know, it’s owned by the Mashi Maro company…
Robert:
The Golden Gate Bridge is one point seven miles long…and it’s red with a sort of golden tint in the sunrise
Jade:
How do you know?
Robert:
I’ve seen it, trust me on this one…listen, I really don’t understand what it is you’re doing here, are we going to go through all the major landmarks this way or something?
Jade:
Let me put it to you this way…have you ever been in love, Robert?
Robert:
Well…honestly…I’ve been with girls but never anything special if you know what I mean…
Jade:
You mean, never what you’ve read about, watched movies about, held on to during…you know…real rainstorms?
Robert:
Uh…I guess not, but that doesn’t mean…
Jade:
Well, what if this, us two strangers, who met about four hours ago at a Starbucks in “Paris”…what if this…pathetic situation is all romance is? Think about it, Mr. Robert Endel from the coffee shop…our whole lives we’ve been told that “love” exists, watched TV shows for the sheer sake of cheering on the protagonists…while they fed into us what to expect in our lives! Just imagine, what if love is just…letting yourself go and letting yourself dream up whatever it is you want and pretend it’s the real thing? What…what if Venice is really all we’ve seen of it…a trashed water canal in some shopping mall, where we pretend to have some purpose in life, while some minimum-wage caucasian guy in a sailor suit trills sappy love songs in our ear, half of which are in French anyway…?
(she is cut off as there is thunder and a rainstorm starts)
Should we move?
Robert:
No, it’s contained, the water only falls in the pool. (he takes a penny and throws it into the pool)…make a wish?
Jade:
No, thanks, I’ll save my money (she takes one look at her coffee and gulps it all down, forcibly)
Robert:
You shouldn’t do that…god knows what’s in that
Jade:
It’s coffee
(there is a pause as they both watch the rainstorm)
Robert:
Listen, are you one of those poor lost souls who come to Vegas to get really drunk and marry?
Jade:
I don’t drink.
Robert:
Good, it’s bad for your liver, you know…both drink and marriage
(If that seems like a terribly lame punch line…it is. And he knows it. So does she.)
Jade:
I’ll keep that in mind
Robert:
If it’s any consolation, I see your point now. We all get tired of driving down highways just to chase some mirage, if you’re into metaphors…but somewhere along the road the real thing rests and if you stop now, you’ll never reach it
Jade:
How very poetic of you…I’m guessing you have a girlfriend and a nice house in the suburbs
Robert:
Nah, I’m single
Jade:
I figured
Robert:
Oh really?
Jade:
It explains your Valentine’s Day visit. You come to Vegas just to pick up some girl and, you know, no strings attached.
Robert:
I wish it were that exciting
Jade:
It’s not too late
Robert:
I’m here on a business trip, we’re trying to find out what’s been wrong with the “Eiffel Tower”
Jade:
Oh. Engineer, huh? Well, I wish you luck, I hear its supposed to have a great view
(there is a pause, the noise of the storm gets softer)
Robert:
Looks like the weather is letting up
Jade:
Yeah
(she opens her wallet to put down the tip and at last considers and tosses a penny into the pool)
Robert:
I thought you don’t waste money on wishing wells
Jade:
I just figured if there’s enough money at the bottom they might actually clean this thing
Robert:
Good observation.
(there is a comfortable pause as they both sigh and look at the clearing skies)
Listen, Ms…
Jade:
Swanson. Just call me Jade.
Robert:
Jade Swanson…what a beautiful name…I hope you’re not here to get married?
Jade:
No. I’m here for the rainstorms, actually.
(They both chuckle warmly—please don’t ask me what that means. It’s midnight and I’m supposed to be doing homework)
Robert:
I see…anyway, Ms. Jade, I may have never been to Venice or Paris, but I have been to San Francisco and I know where to get real chocolate…
Jade:
Oh no, thanks for the offer though
Robert:
My treat?
Jade:
Well…chocolate always does sound nice after a rainstorm and…really nasty coffee
Robert:
Oh, you haven’t tried real chocolate until you’ve had Ghirardelli’s…
(they both get up and exit the café, Robert holds out his elbow and Jade takes it and they walk off down the street as the rainstorm ends and the fake sunshine begins to reflect off the remaining raindrops)